The Problem of Choice

To fully understand what you are about to read, you must know a few things about me. I suffer from sever Decidophobia or the fear of making decisions. Basically, I have trouble making decisions on even the smallest things. I've been aflicted with this curse for as long as I can remember. I remember the long drives with my father going up north (He lives in Michigan) and stopping at a gas station. He would tell me to pick out a candy bar that I liked. So I would quest to find the holy grail of candy bars that would satisfy my palate.

But Lo...
Upon seeing all of the chocolaty goodness of the candy isle, I became stumped. Which should I get. Well, 3 Musketteers is always nice, but I could also go for something crunchier like a Baby Ruth, or maybe and Nestle Crunch bar, or I could go with the old faithful, the snickers bar, or, or I could grab a hersheys bar that always seemed to remind me of the Wonka bar from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I just couldn't decide. Eventually, I would eventually run out of time to decide, and just grab any one of them. Upon leaving the store and getting back into our vehicle, I would eventually regret my decision. It was inevitably the worst chocolate bar in the history of Chocolate, and i am sure on no fault of the makers.

So, I evolved as intelligent species do! I evolved a natural defense for this problem. From now on everytime i go someplace that requires me to make a decision, usually on food, I go with one thing and one thing only. The first time I have a meal there I make up my mind quick as to what JUMPS out the page at me and I order that thing. This thing becomes my usual. And I do not deviate from it no matter what. I have a "Usual" at nearly every place I eat.
At Wendy's - It is a #6 (Spicy Chicken) With a Coke and a Frosty
At McDonalds - Its the 2 cheeseburger meal
At Burger King - #1 the whopper
At Zea' - the Grilled Chicken Zeaser Salad and the Meditaranean Hummus Supreme for an appetizer
At the Olive Garden - It is the tour of Italy
At Subway - Its the 12 inch Tuna on Wheat/swiss cheese/Lettuce,tomato,onion,pickles,black olives,mayonaise, and mustard/with a bag of chee-tos
At Smoothy King - Its the Muscle Punch
At Applebee's its the Fried chicken Salad and the Sampler as an appetizer.
When I get coffee, I order whatever the person I am getting coffee with orders (because I dont get coffee with out others, I am a social drinker, Not a habitual drunk like some people,
Cough*Kevin*Cough
This one however has another reason behind the choice. I usually cant pronounce half of the things on the menu anyway.

Needless to say, this way of life has worked rather well for me.
Until Recently,...

Recently, a friend of mine and I went to lunch. We went to Subway. As I walked in the door in knew full well that I would order a 12 inch Tuna on Wheat with swiss cheese/ lettuce,tomato,onion,pickles,black olives,mayonaise,and mustard. I was confident. My taste buds lay in wait for a delectable sandwhich filled with tuna and a host of fresh salad-y things.
But Tragedy soon struck. What did I see on the spit shield but a note - type written, declaring, almost mockingly, that this establishment was, WHAT, OUT OF TUNA!!!!!

I was wounded. My precious Tuna, Gone! How could the Lords of Tuna do such a thing to me. ME. A loyal devotee, followe, disciple of the Tuna-ing Arts.

Soon it became clear to me that I would have to order something else. So I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up. I looked to the bright lights of the menu board, and what i saw overwhelmed me. So many choices, Grilled or not grilled, BLT, Italian BMT, Meatballs, NO! None of these would do. I looked harder. Turkey, Roast Beef, HAM! I could conjur up these meer servant dishes at home. Soon the lady behind the counter, Interrogatted me as to what my decision would be. The world began the spin, the ground began to shake, I began to foam at the mouth, Voices moved through my head like electricity through wires. I was overcome, then I saw the Chicken Bacon Ranch. The newest of the sandwiches, and I blurted it out, regretting my decision immediatly. I wanted my Tuna, but the Tuna did not want me.

We took the sandwiches home to eat, and i knew my sandwich would be terrible. So I hesitantly partook.
And LO!
IT WAS GOOD!!
It was beyond good. It was warm and toasted. the Ranch mixed with the other fixings to create an orgy of taste in my mouth.

Now, you being mortal may not understand my dismay at this, but I shall tell you. For the next day, i returned to the Sub of Way and entered and found to my dismay that the Tuna, my precious Chicken of the Sea had returned. But there in lies my dilemma. For the PROBLEM OF CHOICE had now entered into my sanctuary. I now had to decide between the Chicken of the Sea or the Chicken of the Land, and i was overwhelmed. Up till now my greatest decisions have only been whether i will "Biggie Size" or not (Which I inevitably do, because who wouldnt want more fries to dunk in my Frosty!)

My life has now changed forever for i know love two sandwiches and can not decide between the two.

Alas, I once lived simple, but things have become muddied.
Darkness has crept in, where light once shown.
Oh, what horror it is to live as such as me!
Greive for me Brothers and Sisters,
Mourn the loss of innocents

So long, and thanks for all the fish!
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A Look Back

Yesterday, I attended my little sisters graduation. It just so happened that her graduation was exactly to the date, five years from my own. It doesnt seem like it has been five years since I've been out of high school; It seems like just yesterday. But at the same time, so much has happened since my graduation. Friends have gotten married; others have passed on. Some have lost the faith; others have gained it anew. I have changed as well. I am now older, wiser, wishing I could go back and correct the mistakes that I made, wishing I wasn't so lazy or laid back. I could have done better; I could have been more. I found myself suffering under the consequences of bad decisions made or chances I was afraid to take. Love lost because I couldn't put my pride on the line and learn to be vulnerable. Being blind to friends weaknesses and overlooking thier need. I know I put to much pressure on myself. I am not Superman, but I wish I was. I wish I could save everyone I care about. Brothers and sisters and friends gone astray. But I won't stop fighting for them. I will keep praying, keep believing.

Who am I and Why do you care?

Hi, you can call me Aeron for right now. Not my real name, but what's in a name anyway. Actually, I find having a fictional name allows me to be more open that I would usually. And That is actually a HUGE problem with me. Ask any of my friends, I tend to be a very closed off person. I dont like to get into discussions with people I dont know. I dont like most people to know what I am thinking or feeling.
Although on the other hand, I like to know all these things about everyone else. I know my friends really well. I have spent most of my childhood watching people. I was an only child, and this was the best way I could see to spend my time. I watched and learned. Learned how people acted and behaved in different situations. I kind of hoped that the whole mysterious act would be attractive to the ladies. Turns out, I was wrong. And I really, really hate being wrong. Recently, I have taken a different approach. Instead of keeping all of my friends at a distance, I decided that i should allow them in, let them see the real me. Not just the funny side. Not just the thoughtful side. Everything.
I have a small circle of friends. These are the people that I trust.
Or at least I'm supposed to. After all that time of hiding, I have grown accustomed to the dark. The last thing I want my closest friends to see is my dark side. I tell everyone that what I really want out of life is to be a hero. And that is what I tell myself. I am a Hero; willing to lay my life down for any of my friends at a moments notice. And that part, at least, is true. I supposed to be strong, noble, diligent, genuine.

Fearless.

But I am afraid; afraid of what is hidden. The weakness of character, that I have hidden from everyone, even the ones I love and trust the most. The anger, the blinding rage that I fear will get the better off me. I am not trying to be poetical. These arent types and shadows. I have a severe anger problem. I have bent solid steel in a fit of anger. I lose whatever common sense I have when it comes over me. It makes me weak, and if anything, I fear weakness. I have let so many people down. I am supposed to be the guy who sees things that others dont. That sees beneath the surface. I have dreams telling me that someone is in trouble and I end up doing nothing about it. A persons life ruined and I could have helped, somehow. If I had only been more observant. I use my observations of people and their behaviour to manipulate our conversations. People see me as this fine upstanding gentleman. A son that is a blessing to his mother, but nobody has any real idea.

Great, now I'm whining. Someone hit me! Please!

Forgive me. Sometime, well alot of the time, i feel schitzophrenic. Like I have two more people besides me talking in my head. One is quiet, subdued, and tends to become depressed. The other is loud and brash and gets angry to quickly. I honestly find myself arguing with myself.

Anyway, The purpose of this blog is to share my insight, what i see, my observations on life, the universe and generally everything. If you dont like it, well I honestly could not care less. This blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It is a chance to be completely open. Maybe one day I can reach that in my normal life. As it is, alot of people I know, Including my circle of friends are probably reading this, So...Hi guys! I hope this helps you understand me more.

Then Again, My friends may know more about me than I have origanally supposed. I have been wrong once or twice before.

Feel free to comment with your own observations on the world, and my crazy messed up psychi!

Well,
So long,
And thanks for all the fish!
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