THE CHRONICLE:: January 2006

Warning, This post bares my soul. If you don't want to see the flesh ripped away to reveal my beating heart, don't read on. And please, please, cover the children's eyes. My God, don't risk the chance of fracturing their phsyche on account of me.

The Chronicle...

The Chronicle of ME....

So,…
I'm a Writer. Big deal, right? Well, it might give you some insight into figuring out who I am. Strangely, up until recently this was a wholly repulsive concept to me. I didn't want anyone to be able to figure me out. I figured that as long as I could figure anyone out, as long as I had the unique ability and found pleasure in watching people and finding out what went on in their heads, that I had the advantage over other people. I thought that if people really knew me then, number one, they had the advantage on me and I lost my ability to have the upper hand and never be surprised by anyone's actions and always be able to exert a certain amount of control over the people around me; and number two, that if they knew me, really knew me, then they wouldn't like me. I was afraid that if I opened up to people, then I became vulnerable to them and they would find out about the parts of me that I don't like.

That wouldn't be so terrible except I think of myself as a crazy person. I am a manic-depressive, schizophrenic, obsessive compulsive.

Let me stop here and say, please don't stop reading now. This thing really does get better and I am not really all that moody.

Okay, back to the action. Let's define why I would classify myself like that and why exactly, I am not on medication. I am a strong person. I can control my emotions, usually! Pain is only a motivator; Hardship is reason to move forward; Sickness is to be weathered. But even Superman has his Kryptonite. Mine is depression. It paralyzes me. If not for Jesus, I would not have made it thus far.

I also talk to myself, all the time. I have conversations with myself on a course of action. I talk to my friends, in my head; and since I know most of them so well, I can predict what they will say. I talk to the different sides of my personality, which can be broken down into a few parts. First there is Tim. This is me, the intelligent, creative, and logical side. This is the part that controls me. This is the part of me that watches people, the classic "Observer" personality. On either side I have my other two parts, Tod and Timmy.

Yes, they have names…Shut up! Can we continue?
Thank you.

Tod is my Strong side. He is driven. His humor is dark and cutting. He is Prideful and Selfish. He is loud and outgoing. He likes to fight and argue, and he gets angry extremely easy. To be honest, I fear him. I fear him take the controlling roll. He's intimidating. He's cold, calculating, and bold. Unfortunately, when I keep him pushed back, I keep away his good qualities.

Timmy is my inner child. Selfless and shy, he's everything I love about myself. He wants to be a hero. He believes in Magic and Wonder. He looks for doorways to another world around every corner, in every painting, and inside any closet [they call them Wardrobes in the UK].
He is loyal, Loves his friends and family and would die for them in a heart beat. He is non-confrontational in most situations. He makes corny jokes and longs to write the story of every person he sees. He wonders what people in the car next to him are doing, why they are driving, where they are going. He is more creative than the base "me" will ever hope to be. He sees ability in everyone, the inner seed of some special power buried there since the dawn of time. He is afraid of being hurt, and he doesn't have much of a backbone, but he likes to make people happy. He is completely random and has no attention span, but he loves to laugh. He likes change. He hates when things get stale and boring.

These three go everywhere together. And they fight, constantly! They hardly ever agree. One's a monster, one's a wide-eyed child, and one's an old professor, beyond his years. Behind my inner control center, the villain and the hero fight for position, and for my attention. I've gotten good at blocking them out over the years, but occasionally they won't be denied. Sometimes Tod pops out like a vampire needing to feed, and it's Timmy who has to deal with what he has done. Two sides of a Coin.

Unfortunately, those aren't my only problems. I am an obsessive compulsive. At work, if everything is not absolutely strait and orderly and logical, I will go nuts. Everything has to face the same way; every "t" crossed and every "I" dotted. I am like Monk, except not that bad.

Okay, so back to the beginning. I am a writer. I believe that there is an interesting story to be told in everyone. That is why I try so hard to get inside everyone's head. I like to get to know people. Not just in a superficial, "So, what do you do for a living?" sort of way. I want to know the story. Each person is the Hero in their own story. I want to find those heroes and make sure it ends with a happily-ever-after.

Heroes.

I wish I was one. There is not one thing I want more. More importantly, I want to die a hero. I want to sacrifice myself for someone else. But talk is cheap and I hate when I find myself being selfish. I wish I was rich sometimes, because then I could buy stuff for people, give everyone of my friends what they want. I am a generous person. The trick in that is to be generous without acting generous or else people will take advantage of you. Once again, two sides. And it seems you need both.

I wish I could fly. If I could have one super power that would be it. To fly, unaided above the clouds and through, the freedom of it, entrances me. I believe one day I will. I will meet Him in the air.

Faith

I believe that this world, and how we perceive it, is not all there is. I believe that the human race is capable of more than what is thought of as normal and logical, here. Not in an afterlife, but right here; right now. I belief magic exist. It is locked in our imagination. My Father is the Creator. And I am His son. That is why I love to create. But I believe that we are more in His image than that. We have power. Hidden away, locked deep inside of us, pushed down so far we've forgotten even where the door might be.

I believe there is power inside of me. I feel it. I know it is there. Sometimes, when my adrenaline is pumping, I feel it bubbling right below the surface. But there is a disconnect somewhere along the chain. Maybe one day, it will surface.

I believe I was born to be a Warrior. I can feel that in me too. He is the one to access that power. I believe that the only way to fully release that Warrior Within is to reconcile the different parts of me. Timmy is my pure side, and Tim is the side of me that is at present changing. Tod is the side of me yet to be reconciled. He is the left over remnants from my former life, but he is not to be cut out. He is a part of me that is still unredeemed fully. His personality is still needed. Is anger should be focused on my true enemy; his boldness and confidence need to be found in my Father. His backbone is needed in me. He is my Dark part, yes. But he is necessary to the fight.

* * *

I have been a Christian for Twenty years on November 2005. I got saved when I was four, and it wasn't until January 1st 2006 that I came to know God in the way that I have now. The funny thing is, I don't at all feel as if I have lost time. It came when God wanted it to. And it came in an unusual way.

For the last year and a half, I have been working on a Children's Church Program called Battle School. The Premise is this: If the Church is the Army of God, then we need to teach our children to fight. [Ps. 87:5-11, Ps. 144:1] I believe that they, us [I was born in '81, from the 80's through the present is part of the same generation], are a generation of Warriors. It is in our video games, our movies, our culture, our nature. We were meant to fight. The violence in our culture is no coincidence. We are born Warriors. And we are under attack. Abortion, Child suicide, Child abuse and murder, Just like Moses and Jesus, the king of this world wants to kill the ones who bring with them freedom. We have the fire inside of us. We are the revival generation. I want to train them to fight the war that they are already on the front lines of and when they are trained, I will join them in the field.

So, I was supposed to start on January 1st but God postponed my plans. I wondered why. Soon, I came to the conclusion that, I couldn't teach something that I didn't live. I couldn't call for this type of radical Christianity, this dangerous obedience, this complete service to God and His call, and not reflect those things in my own life.

Being saved for 20 years, I heard it all. I heard that you are supposed to be in love with God. I felt that sometimes, but all the time? No. Enough to make me want to read the word everyday? No. In truth, I didn't seek Him first. Until I came to a place where nothing else mattered to me, but My God, My Lord, and my service to Him, I couldn't teach this properly. So I decided that if it had to be done, it had to be done now! And then I proceeded to have a wholly unremarkable experience. Under the hunger pangs of not eating in the last 12 hours, I knelt on the ground like a knight with one knee and one fist placed on the ground and my head bowed.

I told God that I was through living my life. I gave it all up. I said that I put my life in His hands and told Him to tear me down and build me back again as the person He wanted. I chose to serve Him. There was no Thunder, no Lightening, and no booming voice from the sky. I went on with my day and chose to fast for the entirety of the next week. During the course of the next week, He broke me. I cried every night at work as He showed me another part of who He was and that is not something I usually do. I gave Him everything and in return He gave me everything I always wanted. I am satisfied. I am content. I am driven and consumed. I am His servant, His Warrior, His child.

When you give yourself to His light, you see yourself truly defined instead of hidden in the shadows. Your path is clear now instead of dark and obstructed. I have a Purpose and Identity. I have had experiences in the Past. I've been to Bible College. I have heard the Audible Voice of God. I have felt His raw emotion and the mantle of His Spirit fall on me. But this…this isn't a feeling. It's life.

That side of me isn't gone; he's not even fully repaired, but he belongs to my Father. My three sides are closer to becoming one. They move with one purpose and do a lot less fighting.

I am a writer. I am a scribe. The words are not mine, they come from another source. I can take no credit for the beauty found within and I want none. Who can stand in His glory?

So who am I. I'm His…

--
So long and thanks for all the fish!

Semper Fidelis
Semper Vigilantis
Deus Ex Nobis
--
Fight the Flood!

THE CHRONICLE:

Monday, January 30, 2006

My Reading List for 2006

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Who Am I?

About Me

Progress: Untitled Novel

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