Who am I and Why do you care?
Hi, you can call me Aeron for right now. Not my real name, but what's in a name anyway. Actually, I find having a fictional name allows me to be more open that I would usually. And That is actually a HUGE problem with me. Ask any of my friends, I tend to be a very closed off person. I dont like to get into discussions with people I dont know. I dont like most people to know what I am thinking or feeling.
Although on the other hand, I like to know all these things about everyone else. I know my friends really well. I have spent most of my childhood watching people. I was an only child, and this was the best way I could see to spend my time. I watched and learned. Learned how people acted and behaved in different situations. I kind of hoped that the whole mysterious act would be attractive to the ladies. Turns out, I was wrong. And I really, really hate being wrong. Recently, I have taken a different approach. Instead of keeping all of my friends at a distance, I decided that i should allow them in, let them see the real me. Not just the funny side. Not just the thoughtful side. Everything.
I have a small circle of friends. These are the people that I trust.
Or at least I'm supposed to. After all that time of hiding, I have grown accustomed to the dark. The last thing I want my closest friends to see is my dark side. I tell everyone that what I really want out of life is to be a hero. And that is what I tell myself. I am a Hero; willing to lay my life down for any of my friends at a moments notice. And that part, at least, is true. I supposed to be strong, noble, diligent, genuine.
Fearless.
But I am afraid; afraid of what is hidden. The weakness of character, that I have hidden from everyone, even the ones I love and trust the most. The anger, the blinding rage that I fear will get the better off me. I am not trying to be poetical. These arent types and shadows. I have a severe anger problem. I have bent solid steel in a fit of anger. I lose whatever common sense I have when it comes over me. It makes me weak, and if anything, I fear weakness. I have let so many people down. I am supposed to be the guy who sees things that others dont. That sees beneath the surface. I have dreams telling me that someone is in trouble and I end up doing nothing about it. A persons life ruined and I could have helped, somehow. If I had only been more observant. I use my observations of people and their behaviour to manipulate our conversations. People see me as this fine upstanding gentleman. A son that is a blessing to his mother, but nobody has any real idea.
Great, now I'm whining. Someone hit me! Please!
Forgive me. Sometime, well alot of the time, i feel schitzophrenic. Like I have two more people besides me talking in my head. One is quiet, subdued, and tends to become depressed. The other is loud and brash and gets angry to quickly. I honestly find myself arguing with myself.
Anyway, The purpose of this blog is to share my insight, what i see, my observations on life, the universe and generally everything. If you dont like it, well I honestly could not care less. This blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It is a chance to be completely open. Maybe one day I can reach that in my normal life. As it is, alot of people I know, Including my circle of friends are probably reading this, So...Hi guys! I hope this helps you understand me more.
Then Again, My friends may know more about me than I have origanally supposed. I have been wrong once or twice before.
Feel free to comment with your own observations on the world, and my crazy messed up psychi!
Well,
So long,
And thanks for all the fish!
><>
Although on the other hand, I like to know all these things about everyone else. I know my friends really well. I have spent most of my childhood watching people. I was an only child, and this was the best way I could see to spend my time. I watched and learned. Learned how people acted and behaved in different situations. I kind of hoped that the whole mysterious act would be attractive to the ladies. Turns out, I was wrong. And I really, really hate being wrong. Recently, I have taken a different approach. Instead of keeping all of my friends at a distance, I decided that i should allow them in, let them see the real me. Not just the funny side. Not just the thoughtful side. Everything.
I have a small circle of friends. These are the people that I trust.
Or at least I'm supposed to. After all that time of hiding, I have grown accustomed to the dark. The last thing I want my closest friends to see is my dark side. I tell everyone that what I really want out of life is to be a hero. And that is what I tell myself. I am a Hero; willing to lay my life down for any of my friends at a moments notice. And that part, at least, is true. I supposed to be strong, noble, diligent, genuine.
Fearless.
But I am afraid; afraid of what is hidden. The weakness of character, that I have hidden from everyone, even the ones I love and trust the most. The anger, the blinding rage that I fear will get the better off me. I am not trying to be poetical. These arent types and shadows. I have a severe anger problem. I have bent solid steel in a fit of anger. I lose whatever common sense I have when it comes over me. It makes me weak, and if anything, I fear weakness. I have let so many people down. I am supposed to be the guy who sees things that others dont. That sees beneath the surface. I have dreams telling me that someone is in trouble and I end up doing nothing about it. A persons life ruined and I could have helped, somehow. If I had only been more observant. I use my observations of people and their behaviour to manipulate our conversations. People see me as this fine upstanding gentleman. A son that is a blessing to his mother, but nobody has any real idea.
Great, now I'm whining. Someone hit me! Please!
Forgive me. Sometime, well alot of the time, i feel schitzophrenic. Like I have two more people besides me talking in my head. One is quiet, subdued, and tends to become depressed. The other is loud and brash and gets angry to quickly. I honestly find myself arguing with myself.
Anyway, The purpose of this blog is to share my insight, what i see, my observations on life, the universe and generally everything. If you dont like it, well I honestly could not care less. This blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It is a chance to be completely open. Maybe one day I can reach that in my normal life. As it is, alot of people I know, Including my circle of friends are probably reading this, So...Hi guys! I hope this helps you understand me more.
Then Again, My friends may know more about me than I have origanally supposed. I have been wrong once or twice before.
Feel free to comment with your own observations on the world, and my crazy messed up psychi!
Well,
So long,
And thanks for all the fish!
><>
posted by Tim O'Donnell at 09:00
2 Comments:
well stanton through all your problems witch are not many you know that your loved and thought highly of. there were a time when we could not hang out because we would all ways fight, but let it be known you are my nigga. higgy
Thanks buddy!
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