Ten Commandments of Movie Watching

Well the summer movie season is over halfway over; we've had some good
ones so far. Batman Begins, Kingdom of Heaven, Cinderella Man, and I've heard the Land of the Dead was pretty cool.

Then there was this movie apparently called Revenge of the Six or something like that. It's apparently about a rebellion in space. I guess it has a few fans, or something. I don't know. Personally, the only space movie I'm really interested in this year is Serenity.

So Anyway, with people hurrying to see all the summer movies before they go back to school or back to work, I thought I should share this list of Ten Commandments of Movie Watching written by a fellow blogger.

For A Friend ... (Josh)

Please note: everything in italics in the introduction along with the entire list from #I to #X was written by Robin Sizemore, a veteran blogger, with whom I first found inspiration to blog. I included the joke in the opener because contrary to his belief, I thought it was hilarious; and I too care more about the movie "Serenity" based on TV's "Firefly" than any movie in the last of future five years...Well except for Batman! I profusely appoligize for not noting this when i first wrote the post. Also, Since Robin's blog, ONE STACK MIND, was what first inspired me, I recommend all of you who read my blog visit it twice as much as you visit mine.

I. Be quiet.
Don't talk. I've heard that human beings are compulsive communicators, and I believe it, but try to keep your mouth shut for the two hours or so that the movie is playing. If absolutely, positively cannot do this, a very quiet whisper to the friend next to you is okay, unless another patron complains. If they do, no matter how quiet you were, just let the comments wait until later. Shepherd Book (of Firefly) once said that there was a special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater. Granted, he was a fictional preacher from a fictional future religion, but is that little quip you want to share really worth the risk that
he was right? Reacting to the movie (laughing, cheering, and clapping at appropriate
moments) is okay, but don't overdo it.

II. Be on time.
If the paper says the movie starts at 12:00, aim to be there at least half an hour early, or be prepared to have your party split up. It may not happen, if the theater's not crowded, but if it does, it's your own fault, so don't bother the people who were there earlier. Sure, it looks like there's a free seat on the other side of them, and they could just scoot down, but if they'd wanted that seat, they would've taken it when they sat there. If they volunteer to move for you, fine.
Don't ask them. Also, I know that movie theaters show trailers before movies, so the showtime given isn't really when the movie starts. Some people who paid to be in that theater enjoy the trailers, though. Be in your seat when the first trailer starts showing. If you cause your party to be late, apologize profusely and offer to pay for the movie… and dinner afterward. If you do this more than a couple times, you may want to think about buying a watch. If that doesn't work, don't bring further shame to yourself and your friends. Consider seppuku.

III. Try not to get up during the movie.
I know that sometimes, this can't be avoided, but you should make a stop in the restrooms before the movie begins and go light on the soda during the early part of the movie. It's not an unforgivable sin, as most of the other rules are, but it's fairly annoying, so you should endeavor to be there for the whole movie. (Besides, it's not like you can pause it, and when you get up, you might miss important plot points.)

IV. Turn off your cell-phone's ringer.
The movie theater will urge you to turn the phone off entirely, but I'm willing to be a bit less strict. If you can't possibly afford to be entirely unreachable for a few hours, but you're reasonably certain that you're not going to be needed, leave the phone on vibrate. If you get a call, get up and leave the theater before answering (or, if necessary, returning the call).
If you use your cell phone in the theater (even before the movie starts), other patrons are perfectly justified in taking drastic measures. These could range from dumping popcorn on your head to shoving your cell phone into a bodily orifice, depending on the other patron who gets to you first. Don't risk it. Step outside before using the phone.

V. Respect the geeks.
If a movie has an obvious appeal to an obsessive fan base, and you're not part of that fan base, don't go to the movie on opening weekend (and definitely, under no circumstances, should you go to a midnight showing). If you must go on opening weekend, then keep your mouth shut in the theater, for Pete's sake. I will be the first to admit that I hate crowded movie theaters, and yet, my favorite movie experience was only as fun as it was because it was crowded. The midnight showing of X-Men 2 was absolutely fantastic, because of the reactions of the people around us, who were obviously invested in these characters. Compare that to my viewing of the second Matrix movie, where I was forced to sit in front of a guy who had no clue what was going on and
made sure everyone in the immediate vicinity knew it. I know how the average person feels about geeks and geek movies. I understand that these movies might have appeal to non-fans, but if you go to an opening weekend showing of a movie that has a huge geek following, you're ruining it not only for them, but for yourself as well. As a corollary to this rule for people who are members of the fanbase, don't drag non-fans to a cult movie. If you have friends who genuinely
don't seem to mind going with you, they're fine — their respect for you will keep them from being too obnoxious. If you ask your friends and they resist, don't bring them. They'll already be annoyed about seeing a movie they don't want to see, and will usually end up being a nuisance to you and everyone else. Leave them at home, and if you absolutely want them to see the movie in theaters, come back and see it with them later. You know you're going to see it more than once
anyway.

VI. Suspend your disbelief.
Almost invariably, someone in the movie will do something that is impossible (or highly improbable) in the real world. Don't get too worked up over this — movies are works of fiction. When you watch a movie, you're entering into an unspoken agreement with the filmmakers.
Your part of this agreement is that you will accept that their world isn't the real world.
If you can't suspend your disbelief, that doesn't mean you can't come to the movie. You might notice a common theme here: if you can't possibly accept these deviations from the "real world", at least respect the people around you and be quiet about it until after the movie. The exception to this is if the movie is internally inconsistent. If the movie has spent a good deal of time building up the fact that something is impossible, and, at the climax, someone does that something without a very, very good explanation of why it's no longer impossible, the filmmakers have violated their end of the agreement. In this case, a short protest is allowable, but only a short one. A maximum length of three words ("What the heck?!") is appropriate.

VII. Don't sit near other people until you don't have a choice.
Theaters are fairly big places. The first few people there usually have their choice of seats. There's practically no reason for you to sit near anyone else if you're one of the first people in.
Think of the puzzle where you're supposed to place a certain number of checkers on a board without having any two being in a row or column (or a diagonal line?) with any others. Unless the theater is seating people (which only happens if there's a huge crowd expected) or it's already pretty crowded, your seating philosophy should be like those checkers — don't sit directly in front of someone else, or in the same row, unless there are no free columns or rows. Corollary: If you're tall, don't sit in front of someone who's already sitting down. Even in stadium seating, this is rude. Try sitting near the back.

Exception: If you are a cute, single girl around my age, and you see me in the theater, feel free to sit by me. If my friends are already sitting there, don't worry — I'll make them move.

VIII. Don't talk about the movie on your way out.
General comments, like "What'd you think?" and "It was alright," are fine. Don't get into major criticisms of exactly what the film maker could've done better in the climactic scene until you're in your car. Other people coming into the theater are waiting to see that movie you just left, and some people don't like spoilers. Be polite.

IX. Don't leave trash in the theater when you leave.
The trash cans in theaters are typically placed very conveniently. It's not that big a hassle to pick up after yourself, and every time you leave a drink behind, there's a chance that it'll be knocked over by the cleaning crew, making the floor sticky for other movie viewers.
We're supposed to be civilized. Act like it.

X. Don't bring babies to the movies.
I know that you hate to leave them at home, but if you can't go to the movies without your baby, don't go to the movies. Best case scenario is that the baby sleeps through the movie; it's not like the baby gets anything out of that. Also, you may want to consider whether a movie is age appropriate or not before bringing your kids. An R-rated movie isn't the place for your six-year-old son. You want him to watch that stuff, let him watch it at home, rather than letting him disturb other theater patrons.